Let’s be real for a moment: The first time you have sex after a long hiatus can feel a lot like the first time you ever had sex. There’s the butterfly-inducing excitement, sure, but there’s also a fair amount of awkwardness, a dash of performance anxiety, and the nagging question, “Do I even remember how to do this?”
Whether you’ve been out of the game due to a breakup, the exhaustion of new parenthood, a medical issue, or simply a dry spell that lasted longer than intended, getting back into the saddle (so to speak) can feel daunting. You might worry about your body image, your libido, or just the vulnerability of being naked with another human being again.
Here is the good news: You are not broken. Sexual dormancy is a completely normal phase of the human experience. And, much like riding a bike, your body remembers more than you think—it just might need a little grease on the gears and a gentle push to get moving again.
If you are ready to dust off the cobwebs and rediscover intimacy, here is a guide to doing it comfortably, safely, and at your own pace.
1. Start With the Person in the Mirror
Before you invite someone else into your bed, it helps to invite yourself back into your own body. If it has been months or years since you were sexually active, your own skin might feel like foreign territory.
Many relationship experts agree that self-intimacy is the prerequisite to shared intimacy. If you are disconnected from your own pleasure, it is infinitely harder to guide a partner toward it.
- Reacquaint yourself with your body: This doesn’t necessarily mean rushing straight to an orgasm. It can be as simple as spending time naked in your house, moisturizing your skin with intention, or looking at yourself in the mirror without immediate criticism.
- Solo exploration: Masturbation is a low-stakes way to remind your nervous system that sexual pleasure is safe and enjoyable. It helps you understand what currently works for you—because bodies change. What felt good three years ago might not be what you need today.
2. Check Your “Brakes” and “Accelerators”
In the book Come As You Are, researcher Emily Nagoski discusses the “Dual Control Model” of sexual response. We all have “accelerators” (things that turn us on) and “brakes” (things that turn us off).
When you’ve been inactive for a while, your “brakes” are likely sensitive. Stress, dirty laundry on the floor, fear of pain, or insecurity about a post-baby belly can all slam the brakes on arousal, no matter how much you want to have sex.
Before you jump back in, identify what is pressing your brakes.
- Is it fear of pregnancy or STIs? (A visit to a clinic for a check-up can solve that).
- Is it self-consciousness? (Maybe keeping the lights dim or wearing a shirt during the first time will help).
- Is it medical? (We’ll get to that in a moment).
Understanding your brakes allows you to release them gently, rather than trying to force the accelerator while the parking brake is still on.
3. The “Sensate Focus” Technique (Taking Sex Off the Table)
One of the biggest killers of libido is pressure. The pressure to perform, the pressure to orgasm, or the pressure to look like a movie star while doing it.
If you are in a relationship and looking to reconnect, or even if you are with a new partner you trust, consider using a technique called Sensate Focus. Originally developed by Masters and Johnson, this is a cornerstone of sex therapy.
The rule is simple: You touch each other, but intercourse is strictly off-limits.
The goal is to move the focus away from “The Big Finish” (orgasm/penetration) and back to the sensation of touch. You might spend 15 minutes just touching your partner’s back, arms, or legs, focusing entirely on the texture of their skin and the temperature of their body. Then, you switch.
This removes the anxiety of “Where is this going?” and allows you to just be. Cornell Health provides a great guide on how to practice Sensate Focus that is incredibly helpful for couples breaking a dry spell.
4. Communication: The Unsexy (But Essential) Pre-Game
If you are entering a new relationship, the “I haven’t done this in a while” conversation can feel terrifying. But vulnerability is actually a powerful aphrodisiac.
You don’t need to provide a PowerPoint presentation on your sexual history. A simple, “I really like you, but I’m a little nervous because it’s been a while for me,” manages expectations and usually makes the other person feel special—they are the one you chose to break the streak with.
If you are in a long-term relationship, the conversation might need to be about why the dry spell happened and how to move forward without blame. The Gottman Institute suggests using “soft start-ups” when talking about sex. Instead of saying, “We never have sex anymore,” try, “I’ve been missing our physical connection lately and I’d love to find a way to get that back.”
5. Address the Physical Hurdles
Sometimes, the hesitation isn’t in your head—it’s in your physiology.
If you are post-menopausal, postpartum, or taking certain medications (like SSRIs for depression or anxiety), your body might not respond the way you want it to. Vaginal dryness or erectile difficulties are common physical barriers that create psychological blocks.
- Lubrication is your best friend: Seriously. Regardless of your age or history, high-quality lube can make the difference between a painful, awkward encounter and a pleasurable one.
- Medical Check-in: Low libido can sometimes be a symptom of underlying health issues, from thyroid imbalances to hormonal shifts. The Mayo Clinic notes that medications and chronic stress are frequent culprits. If your desire feels chemically absent, a chat with your doctor is a valid next step.
6. Redefine What “Sex” Means
When we think about “becoming sexually active,” we usually think of penetration. But that is a very narrow definition of intimacy.
If the idea of full intercourse feels like too much too soon, broaden your menu. Intimacy includes:
- Deep kissing (making out like teenagers).
- Shared showers.
- Massage.
- Oral stimulation.
- Sleeping naked together (skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone).
The Ultimate Guide to Different Types of Kisses: Meaning, Technique, and Passion
By lowering the bar for what counts as “success,” you make it much easier to hop over it.
7. Prepare for the “Clunky” Moments
Hollywood has lied to us. Sex is rarely a seamless montage of perfect angles and simultaneous ecstasy. It involves elbows in weird places, strange noises, and occasional cramps.
When you are rusty, these moments happen more often. If you can laugh when things get awkward, you are halfway there. A sense of humor is the ultimate safety net. If you try a position and your back hurts, or if the rhythm is off, laughing about it with your partner breaks the tension better than silence ever could.
8. Safety First (So You Can Relax)
You cannot comfortably lose yourself in the moment if part of your brain is worrying about safety.
- Protection: If you are with a new partner, condoms and birth control discussions are non-negotiable.
- Health Status: Knowing your own status and asking about your partner’s provides peace of mind. Planned Parenthood offers easy access to testing and advice on having these conversations.
When you know you are safe physically, your brain allows your body to relax emotionally.
Conclusion: It’s a Journey, Not a Switch
You don’t just flip a switch and become a “sexually active person” again overnight. It is a slow burn. Some days you might feel adventurous; other days you might just want a cuddle. That is entirely okay.
The goal of rediscovering intimacy isn’t to meet a quota or impress a partner. It’s to reconnect with a vital, life-affirming part of yourself. Be patient with your body, be kind to your mind, and remember that the best sex comes not from perfect performance, but from genuine connection.
